天外飛來巴斯光年

去年九月索尼推薦傑克鮑爾50事報我知，我看得起肖，開了word欲記之，卻也不明細故地不了了之。

昨晚想起這件事，股溝了一下，赫然發現已有影迷為這些軼聞架設「傑克鮑爾實錄網」，而且條目遠遠超越50，截至目前魔數已暴漲到3644，尚有無限繁殖下去的潛力。

遂把舊檔重啟，刪修增列一番，挑選令我迅速噗哧的50則如下。也歡迎台灣的24迷共襄盛舉，補遺或創新，一起為中文版/台灣化的傑克鮑爾史學盡份心力。

1. 「你不認識傑克」是恐怖份子間的一種祝福。

（譯註. You don’t know Jack是美國俚語，意指對方「知道個屁」。）
“You don’t know Jack,” is a blessing among terrorists.


2. 中東男子死亡首因是傑克鮑爾。
（譯註. 鄉民增述「美國人死亡首因也是傑克鮑爾，心臟病有自知之明。」 Jack Bauer is leading cause of death in America. Heart disease knows its place.）
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.


3. 殺傑克鮑爾不會令他喪命，只會惹他生氣。
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.


4. 傑克鮑爾最喜歡的顏色：嚴重恐怖攻擊警戒色。
（譯註. 後人補刀「傑克鮑爾次喜歡的顏色：紫羅蘭色Violet，因為它聽起來像暴力Violent。」）
Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alerted.


5. 傑克鮑爾童年遇到萬聖節，他都扮成傑克鮑爾。
Jack Bauer dressed as himself for halloween when he was young.


6. 傑克鮑爾曾在百貨公司打工當聖誕老人，但他被解雇了，因為他對一名孩子逼供她的禮物清單。
In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.


7. 有一次，傑克鮑爾忘了把鑰匙放哪。他接下來對自己嚴刑拷打了半小時，直到他放棄堅守鑰匙藏處。
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.


8. 你如果起個大早，那是因為傑克鮑爾騰出了你的餘生。如果你早上能起床，那是因為傑克鮑爾饒你一命。
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.


9. 你每自慰一次，傑克鮑爾便殺死一名恐怖份子。倒不是源於你自慰，而是傑克鮑爾本來就這麼常殺死恐怖份子。
Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often Jack Bauer kills terrorists.


10. 要知道閣下現在清醒的唯一理由是傑克鮑爾懶得抬著你走。
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.


11. 失憶症患者仍記得傑克鮑爾。
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.


12. 有16億中國人堵爛傑克鮑爾。聽起來滿勢均力敵地。
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.


13. 恐怖份子持續攻擊洛城的唯一原因：他們是《24》的粉絲。
The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.


14. 傑克鮑爾進機場安檢，金屬探測器沒響，保全人員給他一把槍。
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.


15. 傑克鮑爾能在上午10時30分買到麥當勞早餐。
Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.


16. 師父領個人進門，傑克鮑爾令他修行。
（譯註. 英諺「你可以引馬近水，卻無法令牠喝水。」傑克鮑爾可使畜生就範。另錄佳作「傑克鮑爾教老狗學會新把戲。」 Jack Bauer CAN teach an old dog new tricks.）
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.


17. 傑克鮑爾一聽到他由基佛蘇德蘭飾演，他便殺了蘇德蘭。傑克鮑爾不容許遭人「戲」。
Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.


18. 傑克鮑爾曾客串電影《站在我這邊》小霸王一角。片中他因被阻止碰屍體而大動肝火，七年後，他殺了《站》片主角李佛菲尼克斯。傑克鮑爾記仇。
（譯註. 李佛1993年嗑藥暴斃。）
Jack Bauer made a brief cameo in the film "Stand By Me" as the local bully. His character got so pissed off when the boys didn't let him take the dead body that seven years later, he killed River Phoenix. Jack Bauer never forgets.


19. 如果大家都聽傑克鮑爾的話，影集就可改名為《12小時反恐任務》。
（譯註. 同理句「 傑克鮑爾其實每件任務都在五分鐘之內就交差了，都是《24》劇組巧妙後製看起來才那麼長。」Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.）
If everyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called 12.


20. 傑克鮑爾從沒染上毒癮。是海洛因沉迷於傑克鮑爾。
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.


21. 傑克鮑爾雖然入睡時枕頭下放著槍，但他可以用枕頭殺了你。
（譯註. 後有仿作「傑克鮑爾枕槍待旦，槍下放著一個枕頭。」）
Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.


22. 傑克鮑爾和希特勒、史達林、妮娜麥爾斯共處一室， 他有兩顆子彈上膛，他連轟妮娜兩槍。
（譯註. 妮娜和傑克有一腿，後來她被逮到是黑心研究員。）
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.


23. 超人都穿印有傑克鮑爾圖案的睡衣。
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.


24. 美國大兵都愛玩傑克鮑爾公仔。
GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.


25. 詹姆士龐德臥房貼滿傑克鮑爾的海報。
James Bond has a collection of Jack Bauer posters in his room.

26. 尼歐擋下了傑克鮑爾的子彈，傑克把他踹出母體，然後上了崔妮蒂。
Neo stopped Jack Bauers bullets, Jack then kicked his ass back to realty... then he fucked Trinity.


27. 如果傑克鮑爾和馬蓋先被反鎖在同一房間，傑克鮑爾用馬蓋先製成一枚炸彈，然後逃出來。
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.


28. 當傑克鮑爾的人生路上出現絆腳石，他拿那些石頭打死恐怖份子。
（譯註. 英諺「當人生請吃酸檸檬，你要調成甜檸檬水」。但傑克鮑爾拿那些檸檬去殺恐怖份子。 後有鄉民加一條「人生不會請傑克鮑爾吃檸檬，人生讓傑克挑自己喜歡的水果。Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.」 ）
When life gives Jack Bauer lemons he uses them to kill terrorists.


29. 傑克鮑爾不喝蜂蜜，他嚼蜜蜂。
Jack Bauer doesn't drink honey, he chews bees.


30. 當你把手放進恐怖箱，傑克鮑爾從裡面跳出來。
（譯註. 美國俚語「打開叫屁罐」，泛指當你受任何人事物冒犯時，打開叫屁罐釋放令聞者喪膽的力量教訓對方的老屁股。）
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.


31. 傑克鮑爾出了四子贏了一盤五子棋。
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.


32. 「老師說」遊戲該改名為「傑克鮑爾說」，因為當傑克鮑爾說了什麼，你他媽的最好照辦。
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.


33. 傑克鮑爾切洋蔥時，洋蔥流下眼淚。
When Jack Bauer cuts onions, the onions cry.


34. 當傑克鮑爾使用可麗柔草本精華，洗髮精達到了一次高潮。
（譯註. 關於傑克鮑爾的男性魅力亦有許多軼聞，如「 傑克鮑爾去了一趟維京島，之後該地易名為『島』。 Jack Bauer recently spent time in the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.」）
When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essence, the shampoo has an orgasm.


35. 要抓到男人的心，最快的方法是透過傑克鮑爾的槍。
The quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jack Bauer’s gun.


36. 傑克鮑爾可以把艾爾頓強打到不gay。
Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.


37. 傑克鮑爾能讓張惠妹快樂。
（ 譯註. U2合唱團名曲《 我尚未尋及所尋 I Still Haven't Found What Im Looking For》，傑克鮑爾可幫U2尋及。）
Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.


38. 傑克鮑爾只要一顆子彈便能暗殺陳水扁。
（譯註. 原文是殺死黑幫饒舌歌手五角。）
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.


39. 傑克鮑爾把他養的貓咪取名為史蒂芬席格，為什麼？因為貓就要取貓名。
（譯註. 原文是在台較不出名的武打明星查克諾李斯羅禮士，他們被美國網友認真相提並論蔚為次文化。）
Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.


40. 當琴鮑爾失去了童貞，傑克把它找回來並物歸原位。
（譯註. 琴鮑爾是傑克鮑爾的女兒，在戲迷眼中她是傑克唯一能忍受的笨蛋，因為他太愛她了。再選兩則調侃父女關係：「 跟蹤琴鮑爾的美洲獅事實上是傑克鮑爾豢養的寵物貓。傑克以馴獸大法透過牠來監視女兒，並讓她從恐懼中學習循規蹈矩。」「 傑克鮑爾的搭檔蔡斯並沒有真正感染致命的恐怖份子病毒。傑克把蔡斯的手剁了，純粹是他警告琴的男友的習慣。」）
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.


41. 傑克鮑爾登陸過火星，這也是為什麼火星上沒有生物。
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.


42. 如果它吃起來像雞肉，看起來像雞肉，摸起來像雞肉，連它也覺得自己像雞肉，但傑克鮑爾說它是牛肉，它就是他媽的牛肉。
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.


43. 傑克鮑爾在第七天照常值班加班不下班，上帝在第七天休息了，懶屁股啊你，上帝。
（譯註. 「傑克鮑爾>上帝」隱喻廣為鄉民所用，包括「上帝花了七天創造世界，傑克鮑爾24小時搞定。」還有「傑克鮑爾不能與耶穌相提並論，耶穌只復活一次。」 ）
God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.


44. 傑克鮑爾戴墨鏡是給太陽方便，這樣太陽就不用直視他了。
Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses as a courtesy to the Sun so it doesn't have to look into his eyes.


45. 傑克鮑爾護送魔戒到魔多只要24小時。
Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.


46. 傑克鮑爾能讓《LOST檔案》24小時內結案。
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.


47. 傑克鮑爾可以公開討論「鬥陣俱樂部」。
Jack Bauer can talk about Fight Club.


48. 傑克鮑爾曾把一季《越獄》在一小時演完。
Jack Bauer once performed an entire season of "PrisonBreak" in 1 hour.


49. 傑克鮑爾的日曆自動從3月31日跳到4月2日，沒有人可以愚弄傑克鮑爾。
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.


50. 有人問及「你今天過得如何？」傑克鮑爾回「前情提要…」
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."